July 9 2008

Friday

Kate Nash, whom I’ve never heard of before, is a spunky redhead whose songs sound like soap opera plots. There’s a knot of girls in their early 20s standing by us in their elegant wellies, and they’ve just been talking to one another in posh public school voices, but now they’re singing along wiv Kate in her Estuarine accent, glo’al stops an’ all.

That’s the least of the culture-shock. I mean, look at all these people!

Well, when I say people, I mean folks that are almost all white, have a normal BMI and don’t have mortgages or progeny. It’s not that the place lacks the older people, children, ethnic minorities or the overweight; it’s just that their presence is on a par with the number of men in dresses – fairly common, but still noteworthy.

And where are the heads? We were promised weirdoes - most people’s Glastonbury memories seem to involve dancing earth mothers, healing, inedible vegan mess on a paper plate and late-night encounters with Don Juan-style shamans who messed with their heads and/or took all their money.

This is not at all what I was expecting, but that’s what comes of working and socialising with a lot of people who still go to Glastonbury long after all their contemporaries have acquired offspring and pension plans and who wash their cars for fun. I wanted social workers in World Music trousers, self-righteous politicos and hippies. Instead I’m getting people who may have degrees but really aren’t rightly sure who James Callaghan or Edward Heath were, and who worry far more about the environment and their debts than they do about hippy crap or the inevitable triumph of the proletariat. Good for them. And they’re all incredibly, unbelievably nice.

It’s my own damn fault I’m here. I was at an editorial meeting at Venue. I mentioned I’d never been to Glastonbury Fest, and didn’t want to. They said I should go, that it would be hilarious, thinking of me coming back with some Captain Scott-style diary (“Dear God, this is a terrible place!”). So I said I’d go if they could sort tickets for me and the family AND some decent accommodation. I said all this assuming they wouldn’t do it.

They did. And while we don’t have one of the £7,000 fully furnished yurts, the current Mrs Byrne, Daughter (15), Son (12) and self, have a tipi! The tipi is in a field of other tipis, and comes to us courtesy of Hearthworks Tipis and Yurts. We love our tipi as it’s big, yet cosy and (best of all) it’s not down with all the tents erected cheek-by-jowl with all the other tents. If you have a family which you are considering taking to a festival, get a tipi. Aside from the fact that you don’t have to find a spot and pitch your tent, you can also have all the family rows you like in comparative privacy.

They’re probably also good for groups of friends AND have their own eco-showers.

Now you might think that spending money on hiring a big tent because you don’t like camping is a bit stupid, but it’s not. Your tipi is huge: supposed to accommodate six, but could actually take more a lot comfortably. See www.hearthworks.co.uk - they do other festivals as well as Glasto.

The kids are made up. They get to see lots of famous people they idolise, and – just as good - several they despise, and take mobile phone pictures of them from half a mile away. AND they’ve been hauled out of school for the Friday. We pleaded with the teachers that it’d be “educational”. Which, given the current school regime of a tiny amount of learning coupled with huge amounts of revision for endless tests, is probably true.

We spend the afternoon and most of the evening at the Other Stage watching a load of winsome boys in guitar bands playing songs aimed at people who are doing their A Levels. Always, it rains.

We got given these special tent-pegs on the way in. Apparently they're made from potatoes, and Michael Eavis wants everyone to use them as they biodegrade and, unlike steel ones, they don't bother his cows. Wonder if this means we can eat our tent pegs in a food-type emergency.

Saturday

The Glastonbury toilets. There’s Portaloos (OK) but also these green cages sited above big septic tanks which have smaller queues. It’s OK. I have a strong stomach. Nothing can possibly be as bad as … Oh. My. GOD!!

Mrs Byrne, a medical scientist, explains how it’s not possible to catch any communicable disease from sitting on a toilet seat. Nobody believes her.

It has not rained anymore overnight. Mr Shaking Stevens is performing on the Pyramid Stage. He is a Grandad-skool rock ‘n’ roller and a former communist, and it is his socialist Elvisness which makes the sun come out at 11.19.

What the Glastonbury virgin is utterly unprepared for is the sheer size of the place. For three or four days, this is the biggest town in Somerset. Now imagine living in half a Bristol, or a Bath conjoined with a Weston-super-Mare, and that you can only travel around this Bris or Baston-super-Math on foot.

Since much of this walking is done on these special steel paths, how would it be if some boffin could come up with a way of harnessing the vibrating feet on these walkways to create electricity? You could power the whole festival off it. Trudge power! Yeah!

Alphabeat. Never heard of them before. They’re from Denmark, apparently. They play lively, chirpy songs which, unlike most of the other acts here, have none of that ponderous blokey self-importance which has been the curse of popular music since the 1960s. The audience adores Alphabeat sings along happily. Pop music that’s disposable, silly, happy and evanescent. Who could ask for more? Best Glastonbury moment so far!

Find self alone late afternoon by one of the dance tents where hundreds of people are jerking around to unbelievably loud, horrible, repetitive music. Have to leave when my ears begin to bleed. Don’t understand this at all, but I suppose if you get into it you would eventually develop what these kids have. (An intermittent pill habit and 80% hearing loss.)

It all puts me in mind of the story a friend tells about an acquaintance of hers who was massively, dangerously overweight. He slimmed down to normal size in the space of a summer spent going to festivals, taking a load of pills, dancing like a loon and not sleeping for three or four days at a time. And doubtless having to walk everywhere. Consult your doctor before embarking on any new diet or exercise regime.

Amy Winehouse. “Hurrah!!” yells someone close to us as she takes the Pyramid Stage. “She’s not dead yet!” From early on in the set, she’s talking about Blake. “Oh God, why can’t we bottle her?” grumbles Daughter. Consequently we miss the bit where Amy gets into a fight.

En route to Massive Attack, we have to stop to let a tour bus pass. Son swears blind he sees Jay-Z through the tinted windows. Now there’s a man who never needs to put up his own tent. I explain this is an important lesson in working hard at one’s musical talent; get it cracked and you’ll be royalty and get to marry a fellow celebrity called Bouncy. Also, I will be able to invoice you for your upbringing.

Well, it’s Glastonbury, and it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t take some pills, so I neck a couple of Immodium tablets to avoid having to use the toilets.

Sunday

I set off alone in search of fried breakfast and hippies. There are some in evidence in green bits out on the margins of the site, and lots of tents/stalls promising all sorts of bollocks. It’s funny how old-fashioned charlatanry like fortune telling and astrology now sit comfortably aside the new age bullshit.

Later, find self in tent of the Hare Krishnas and their famous free vegan food. Feel unable to partake as I accidentally squashed a bug this morning. They’re middle-aged white men who drone monotonously on and on and think they have access to knowledge and wisdom … Finally, I am among my own people!

Back with family at Gilbert O’Sullivan on Pyramid Stage. Most of his tunes sound like they were composed for children’s TV programmes but he’s been going for ages, never gave up the faith and dedicates song called ‘Oooh Wak a Doo Wak A Day’ to “serious music journalists”. I love this man. Mrs Byrne loves this man. The kids hate him.

Gilbert is the coolest person I have yet seen at Glastonbury, though I have to say this because he was born in the same Irish town as me, but grew up in England and so is a Plastic Paddy like me. He rocks.

Newton Faulkner. Newwwwtonnnnnn Faulkerrrrr … Nope. Someone please explain the point of this useless bearded popinjay? Why in heaven’s name is he so popular? What are we missing here? He ends his set with an acoustic rendition of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ like some drunk party guest who’s overstayed his welcome. The entire family concurs that the pain threshold has been crossed.

Wife and Daughter want to stay on for Scouting for Girls, but we decide to give Diamond and Cohen a miss. After all, we have a TV at home; it makes up in intimacy what you lack in atmosphere, although it reminds you how contemptible the telly is when compared to the real thing. I didn’t hate Glastonbury as much as everyone hoped. I didn’t hate it at all.