The latest Venue’s giving away copies of the 2008 edition of Days Out West (it's now here as well), which is mostly by yours truly. I feel obligated to mark the occasion. Will this do?

Right then! Briefing ... We're going to have an outing. And you're going to enjoy it – that's an order. The womenfolk can come if they want, but if they do not wish to volunteer for this mission, we won't think any the worse of them. It's going to be no picnic.

Although there will be a picnic. The women will issue us with beer, pork pies, doorstep sandwiches and some suitably masculine cake. No Jerry nonsense like Battenberg or Black Forest Gateau.

We will board the family car at dawn to sneak past enemy traffic, and I warn you it's going to be a hairy ride. Essential kit should include something to maintain morale, such as some marching band music or improving literature; travelling the A350 involves lengthy periods of boredom interspersed with moments of intense terror.

Our objective is Bovington, birthplace of the tank. Your first ones were tested out here during the First World show because the Army wanted an area suitably remote from Boche spies, terrain that was reasonably open and which wasn't needed for food, the growing of.

This is now the location of our drop-zone, The Tank Museum.

Here we will find the finest collection of tanks in (everyone salute) Great Britain and quite possibly the world, in a large facility sited adjacent to a working army camp. In several big rooms there are almost 300 tanks, self-propelled guns, armoured cars and other vehicles from 26 different countries.

There are a number of vehicles which must be targeted. The First World War collection is most impressive and include a few of the tanks one can actually get inside. There are several specimens from WW2 most of which will be familiar from making Airfix kits or watching those endless documentaries on the Hitler Channel on cable TV. Shermans, Churchills, Bren Carriers, Panzer IVs, Panthers, a few Russkies and (my favourite) a Leyland armoured car formerly used by the Irish army during the 1930s and 40s.

The Museum’s prize exhibit, though, is the last working Tiger in the world. I’ll repeat that. The last working Tiger in the world, a big lump of vicious, unyielding heavy metal that makes its allied contemporaries look weedy by comparison. Which they are. Stand here awhile and bask in its tankly awesomeness …

 ... Sorry. Where were we?

You'll find a lot of gen on various aspects of tank construction and warfare as you go. You can also expect British WW2 tank design to come in for a lot of flak. One of the most interesting exhibits is the experimental British TOG-2 job from 1941, a disastrous failure and the biggest vehicle in the collection. It’s only slightly smaller than a house.

Moving on, there are large numbers of vehicles from the postwar world, including several taken during the first Gulf War. If you time your visit for the right day you will also be able to witness various vehicles in action on the large area outside the Museum.

One word of warning. I carried out a recce a short while back with Sergeant-Major Wife, Lance-Corporal Eldest Child and Private Youngest Child, and found the café to be rather sloppy. Rations not really up to scratch and seating areas not as clean as they ought to be. Of course as any veteran campaigner will tell you, standards of catering at any visitor attraction can change very rapidly depending on the capabilities of whichever students or Polish workers they've conscripted this week. So it's entirely possible that the Tank Museum's NAAFI will be spick and span as a Sergeants' Mess next time.

Synchronise watches. Good luck to you all.

# The Tank Museum is at Bovington, Dorset BH20 6JG, open 10am-5pm daily, www.tankmuseum.co.uk